Martinez Madness

With fruit snack dreams and lego laden wishes…..

Archive for the month “September, 2011”

Joe and his volcano ain’t got nothing on me….

“Well, does it take more guts to twice traverse a staircase in a burning building, or to make a one-time leap into a volcano? Damned if I know, Kemosabe.” (Source:

 He’s home.  Joe, I mean J, is home. Let the craziness cease. Or not.  J had a great time, as he spoke in his sleep. Apparently, climbing a volcano takes a lot out of you. Hmmph. Try giving birth. Twice. 
We got in the car and L so sweetly said ‘Dad, I’m so glad I found you.” Awww. To which J looks at me and says, ‘Did you know that shrinking heads was done until about 60 years ago?” I replied “6 years ago??!?!?!?!?!”  J said ‘No, 60 but I got pictures of it so we can look at it when we get home’.  I didn’t put the pedal to the metal any faster, just between you and me.
J said he drank 3 bottles of water just on the way up. So I’m guessing taking my 32 oz. QT Cherry Dr Pepper up there is frowned upon. The plus side to this whole volcano climbing business is that you get chocolate and Gatorade when you get to the top….15,000 ft. That better be some damn good chocolate.
But he did get some great pics of him on the volcano. At the airport, I inquired as to why the butt of his jeans looked so dirty. He told me ‘Um, that’s a good story. I will tell you later’.   Turns out this guy of mine took a mental vacation from the fact he had a stinkin’ awesome wife and two adorable yet insane boys at home and DECIDED to slide down the volcano. The dirt on his butt was ash. (Insert a#& joke here.)   SLID DOWN THE VOLCANO!!?? 
I was excited to see him but not as excited as the boys were.  If I was video taping the reunion outside the gate, I so would have showed it in slo-mo with some Bette Midler song playing.  His luggage smelled and he has smelled prettier but we were headed home so the boys could look at the pics of Ecuadorian cows. He’s always thinking of his boys.  And so I don’t ever lose them again, they each got BRIGHT yellow soccer jerseys.  L is in love with his jersey. M is oblivious.  What’s that? I didn’t hear you.  Did you say ‘what did you get?’ Oh, I told J I wouldn’t out him on the Internet but lets just say his trip to the Philippines better make up for it.

Some of the pics are just of him standing next to a Basilica with gargoyles, or pics of instructions on how to shrink heads. He really loved that one.   He took a pic of this woman on a horse. She lives on the mountain (errr…volcano) She is at least 80. Perhaps I should rethink my exercise routine…less Zumba, more volcanic equestrian cross training. And chocolate.

[Joe is about to jump into the volcano]

Patricia: I love you!
Joe Banks: I love you, too! I’ve never been in love with anybody before, either! It’s great! I’m glad! But the timing stinks.
[kisses her on the cheek]
Joe Banks: I’ve gotta go.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch….we were dealing with teething, tantrums, work calls, possibly bribing kids to be quiet during work calls, screeching like howler monkeys at the library (good thing there are more branches to visit-we won’t be asked back to that one), and loading up on tons of icky germs at the McD’s playplace.  Beat that, Ecuador.

Volcano, schmolcano…..


My kids smell like goats….

…in a good way. If there is such a thing. Is there? Is smelling like goats BETTER than smelling like another barnyard variety? I would hope so. They seem cleaner than most. And the goats today had their own hand washing station. Snobs.  

Day #1 of Mommy Day Care consisted of a trip to the store and reminding L about using his inside voice and NOT announcing that ‘that man over there looks like a bear’ or ‘look Momma, she is getting that food you won’t let me get because its so bad for us’.  Awesome.  Add to that, I had 2 conference calls and the last one is when I realized how quiet it was in my house. And I DIDN’T GO LOOK TO SEE WHY. *GASP*!  [Editor’s note: I need to get more shampoo and a better lock for my shower door…and maybe some non slip shoes for anyone who walks in my bathroom.]

So we are on day #2 of Mom vs. Martinez Boys. Is it bad that everyone I have talked to in the last few days has asked the same thing?  Person looking at me with pity: ‘Soooo, how’s it goooing?’  My instinctual response would be ‘Great, everyone still had all their allotted body parts and no one is throwing up. WINNING!’  But my nice response is ‘Oh, they are great. Just really busy’.  Busy would be an understatement. 

If these kids were bees, I would be swarming (see what I just did there?) with honey. Yowza.  I was praying for a nap yesterday or a Nyquil induced coma. Kidding.. I’m out of Nyquil. 

We have talked to J a few times while he is ‘out of town’….like 8 countries away. P.S. I had to defend the fact that there is a South America and North America to someone in a convo a few days ago. Don’t ask.  It did make me feel like I should renew my MENSA membership.  FB Chat has been great…granted I feel like I’m 15 talking to a boy but my avatar is freakin’ sweet. Kidding. But I should look into that.

Meanwhile, he is telling me about how he had lunch on the equator. I just felt silly telling him I thought the hot dogs he bought smelled funny.

Back to the goat smelling kids. Right before the goat assault, which is why they smell so barnyard-y; L almost took a dive into the lake.  A mildly uncoordinated 4 year old who’s mom was wearing an outfit with such confidence, I would have put money on her that she and her kid were European. You know what I am talking about.  She was wearing walking compression shorts with black panty hose and a water sandal. Either way, Euro mom was wrangling her kid and hogging the duck food machine.  Mama Bear that I am, I threw my 3 year old in the line and said ‘Wait buddy, let THEM have a turn’. Works like a charm. Usually. Euro Mom and her offspring weren’t falling for it.

I did end up getting food and paying 75 cents for what I question is food that ducks are really craving…. So I gave handfuls to each kiddo and boom. We got bumped. Teo, the stroller and I went to the right… L went to the left. Which would have been fine, but the left was water, not the dock.

I used my Wolverine reflexes and grabbed him. Crisis averted.  I’m not sure he was even really aware of how ugly that bath would have been.  By the way, if he asks you what the green stuff is on the water, I said it was like grass on the water. MENSA…I’m calling you tomorrow. Be ready.

I bent down to toss Teo into the stroller since every toddler in JoCo descended on the dock at once.  Yup… Duck food was MIA. I thought ‘no worries, maybe he threw it in….’.  Until he looked at me and smiled. Duck food dentures. Ick. He ate it. And a good handful. Suddenly I felt like Euro Mom and I could be friends.

Add to that, a full fledged fit from Teo, a running commentary from L on how cows poop standing up and a sweet boy who told his mom, ‘that boy is having a hard day’.  You bet, buddy. Full out stretching and flailing, screeching in decibels not heard since the Jurassic period and lovely amounts of spit flying from Sybil’s brother’s mouth.  It was a record breaker and I was a speed walking momma, flying out of there and avoiding the pity looks from the lovely patrons.  Sorry Farmstead patrons. If the chickens don’t lay eggs because they were so distraught, I will blame my kid for you. Gladly. 

On to day #3… Bring it.

Tortillas and tantrums

It has been a while, friends… since I have shared a zany story of my kiddos and their antics.  Keep waiting… they haven’t been at their A game lately.   Perhaps they are storing up for when their dad takes off to ANOTHER COUNTRY!!!   Everyone groan with me…..*groan*.

The last time J left me to go out of the country, I was a pregnant, hormonal mess in a new house and did I mention I was hormonal?  It wasn’t pretty.  I shudder thinking about it. The man had to climb a boulder to get reception to call me. And yet I made him call me. Boulders, schmolders.

The time before that? He paid the car insurance a day after the ‘pink reminder’ went out… you know the reminder that says you need to pay soon? Yeah, I might have freaked, called my mom and refused to drive anywhere.  I should really listen to more Beyonce. She has got her stuff together. 

Yep, J is headed to Ecuador next week. I believe anyone who raises two or more children on their own should be given the Willy Wonka golden ticket to the Heavens above. Do not pass go, collect $200.  No doubt.  So in tribute, I am taking vacations days and hanging with my kids all week while he is gone… instead of challenging myself to do the ‘wake up, feed, clothe, drop off, work, pick up, feed, unclothe, bathe and throw in bed’ routine, by myself.  I’m taking the ‘work’ part out of the scenario.  God Bless stay at home mommas. 

He will be gone, enjoying actual adult conversations without interupption, having dinner at the EQUATOR (hello, bucket list), and did I mention conversations without interupption?  I would be super jealous but I’m leaving as soon as he gets back.  I’m heading to exotic Michigan…*ooh, ahh*. You know you are shivering with jealousy.  The person with the better trip?? The one who doesn’t have to take 8 layers of clothes and requires a sherpa and a map to the volcano.  Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!!! 

I’m just saying… I would take a Hampton Inn bed (amazing), a bathroom minus a screaming child on the other side, and perhaps a full nights rest without a toddler sized heel to the face at 2am. Call me crazy.  Helllloooo crazy.

Either way, I’m sure antics will ensue. Tortillas will be the main course for dinner and tantrums for dessert.  (I totally cheated on the title teaser…I’m tired. Sue me.)   Feel free to check on me.  I may blog. I may send smoke signals. I may throw up the white flag.  Anything is possible.  Especially when there is an unattended toddler, a shower and 2 open bottles of shampoo.

Picking my battles…

Tonight was one of those nights where I almost put cotton balls in my ears and hid under the blanket. And I tried…. well the blanket part, at least. I felt a little guilty about that as my kiddos are schrieking and running around  but I had a migraine. Not a ‘comparable to being in labor one’. Those suck. But  a moderate ‘magic meds+dear Lord let my eyeballs fall out’ kind. And you know the Murphy’s Law of those kind…the kids feel the need to try to communicate with Mars via decibel level. It’s Awe-some.

As I closed my eyes to try…try…try to imagine there wasn’t a small waif-ish fairy with a hard hat and a jackhammer going to town on my frontal lobe….I got it.

A finger….in the nose. 

That is NOT a spa like, post massage like feeling.  It was almost like the hard hitting fairy and the 16month old’s fingers were trying to meet. Again, spa-like. And then there was the giggle. Ah, the giggle… the one that signals to parents everywhere ‘This obnoxious behavior has just scored  a reaction and therefore is NEVER going away’.

As I jerk upright (which made the brain ship rock violently), I start in on Teo. ‘Teo, that is not ok. We don’t put fingers in other people’s noses’.  Here is where Dr. Spock & Dr. Phil might have dope slapped me in my parenting technique.  You see, I didn’t elaborate on the example. Which meant Luca picked up that ball in the shape of a horrible parenting example and ran for the goal line. Luca proceeds to say, ‘Yeah, Teo. You can only pick your own nose’. Um….

Now, I will be the first one to say my favorite quote that my dad always used to say (now he says ‘No feet on the table’–but that’s another story for another day) was ‘You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your friend’s nose’.  Sound advice, yes?  I enjoyed that line so much it was in my senior quotes for the high school yearbook (along with a gigantic bow in my hair….bad decisions) and currently residing on my FB page.  Here’s the hitch in the giddyup…..

How do I exit out of this parenting disaster?  Now both boys are giggling the ‘giggle’ with an index finger up each of their noses.  Sweeeeettttt.  WWCD (inside joke for the Bee’ers)? 

I decided to pick my battles. See that…see what I did there with the word pick? I IGNORED them.  Yes, yes I did. And here’s why…. if it comes to the time where Teo is having to dislodge his finger in order to say ‘I do’, then I will have a problem and possibly revoke my parenting license.  Until then….  (really, until this headache goes away and then I am duct taping his hand to his side). But it sounded good, huh?

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