Martinez Madness

With fruit snack dreams and lego laden wishes…..

Archive for the month “August, 2011”

Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand giggles….

These two were playing ‘McDonalds/Applebee’s’.  Um…they were working the drive thru windows.  And….judge…now.

He asked for these to be put on. He however did not ask for this pic to show up at his wedding video montage. But it will.

 Good news:  Beyonce announced she was prego today. Thank God… I’ve been dying to ask her to weigh in on the Diaper Genie vs. Diaper Champ debate. 

If there is a random deer in our Christmas pics….

you now know why…..

P.S. I just discovered Picnik. So now there is no excuse why I will now be skinny, busty and had super white teeth. I have about 10000 pics to get crackin’ on. 

Who knew…

So apparently I’m on a google search result….for….kid and dirty feet. I’m so proud. I think.

Today….Crazy Town 1, Courtney 0.  Crazy Town for the win. Ugh. I’m ready for bed.

So far today, I have dealt with crazy people at work, crazy kids who felt the need to scream all night, and crazy dog who decided to yak and poop all over. UUUGGGGHHH. Quick, someone trade me lives!! Or at least until the carpet is clean.

Blue Lips, Poop and reading my mind….

This weekend was so different than how I planned it in my mind.  I mean, usually my family totally operates EXACTLY how I dream them to. Don’t yours?  I had Friday off. And not just like I’m gonna go through my email and PRAY no HR hijinx begins at 4pm-kind of Friday… (and my boss reads this….so I NEVER do the previous sentence.) It was really a day off. Granted 8 people called me AFTER I sent a note I was taking the day off.  I love love love when my kids just stare at me while I’m on a work call with those eyes like I haven’t fed them or loved on them in the last 6 hours. I did throw them some fruit snacks. I’m not a total jerk.  But I digress.

In my dream, I thought we would spend our Friday together, the 4 of us, going to the Farmer’s Market, hanging out at the pool and enjoying our time together. Someone must have slipped me a dream pilll—we don’t do that in REAL life, much less any other time. Our Friday involved work; cleaning; and one of us mowing and one of us practicing for our big break in the NFL by doing sprints down the driveway, preventing a toddler from running into the street.  Did I mention he thinks that’s an awesome way to spend a Friday…or any other day?  It also involved thunderstorms. A lot of them.  I’m gonna place my bet that Teo doesn’t love them. He kept “groundhog-ing” it behind an end table with every clap of thunder. OR there’s a secret stash of Cheetos back there.

There was also a lot of fires to be put out. The crack team at their best….

Saturday was filled with birthday parties and baseball games with the family. Toddlers throwing sippy cups at strangers, eating their way through all 4 food groups and THEN a sno cone the size of their heads. Fun was had by all.

Sunday was eventful. Wake up with no bright eyes or bushy tails due to Teo getting up with the sun. That John, he’s a keeper. I woke up at 11….kidding. It was like 8. We were off and running to KCK and our time was spent killing wasps the size of Pittsburgh, eating cherries like they were about to be $6.00 a lb, and sweeping gravel (over and over and over)–John and I stayed inside. 🙂  Ok, I stayed inside.

Came back home and headed to the pool. Now ‘Nana and Gpa’s’ pool is awesome….but we really wanted to pay $15 to shiver our timbers off. It was 86 degrees and so stinkin’ cold. I also forgot you have to sell your ovary to buy a Snickers bar. Luckily, I had stashed a heavily preservative-laden snack pack of Ritz and cheese crackers in my bag from who knows when. Crisis averted. I took L to the far end of the pool to warm up those blue lips. Then then I saw it… Teo.

John was running in after him. Teo had entered the zero entry pool with the snack box. Can you imagine? I could… the pool announcer guy (who is working thru puberty) saying ‘Attention…everyone out of the pool. There is a foreign object in the pool. I repeat, a foreign object…. or 20 Ritz crackers. You there, family of 4, shivering with blue lips. Get out’.  

Heading home….screaming kids and hungry family…equals awesomeness. Why did that Snickers have to cost so much?  I was outside hanging up stuff and L screams ‘poop!! Teo pooped!!’ I run in to see a naked babe…and a giant mess. Ugh. Note to future parents of America….your dishes should never soak in the sink overnight, just in case you have to hose off a poop covered babe at a random time. J wasn’t pleased with me. How was I supposed to know the kid needed a diaper on 24/7? Plus, those eggs were caked on that pan. Had he not ever heard of Pam?  Geez. 

The best part of that whole experience was the fact that J kept thinking he smelled more poop. We checked everywhere and everyone… Nada.  Then J got a snack out of the pantry.  Teo is a poop ninja. You are jealous of me right now… I can feel it.

Someone at work asked me about how the ‘howler monkey’was doing. I stopped and thought ‘How are you in my brain right now?’ I looked at her with a solid ‘I belong in MENSA’ look—I’m sure of it. Maybe. Then it clicked… the blog. I’m a little slow.

And good night.

Wha??Wha??What’s that you say??

You say today is Saturday?? Goodbye, I’m going out to play.  Just a little Shel Silverstein action for you.

I had an incredibly witty post for you tonight. So witty in fact, the wit factor was almost outrageous. And then… disappeared.  

Woe is me. And you, now you lack the wit needed to get  up in the morning.  I apologize.  I blame Blogger.

Damn that man from Slovakia….

I wish I was kidding. I saw him coming up the walk and knew…but let me set the scene for you.

Sprinkler going, one toddler shirtless and running through it. One baby, in a diaper, running in the yard. Small dog, who thinks he is Hercules, begins to yip. And yip. And lunge against its choke chain. Mom, who is dreading being ‘nice’ but smiling all the same. Enter the man from Slovakia. 

He walks up to us and starts his banter. ‘I was just talking to your neighbors, the _________. Do you know that family?’ Um no… due to the fact that it has either been blazing hot or stinking cold on top of the fact the dad mows in flip flops. Does he have no concern for his toes?  I don’t trust anyone with no concern for his toes. So the short answer is no. He recovers nicely and says ‘Well, they have small children like you’. Well, that’s good.  I start to notice L yanking the hose down the hill and starting to water the neighbors sewer cover. I ‘nicely’ ask him to knock it off. L clearly takes this opportunity to begin to ignore my parenting requests.

The guy, who looks like he is 12, proceeds to make fun of his own accent and smiles. He asks me if I know where Slovakia is. I didn’t hear the entire question due to the baby shrieking like a howler monkey in my ear. Mr. Smile says ‘you don’t know where Slovakia is? –with this shocked look on his face. I realized he was judging me…and due to ‘Are you smarter than a 5th grader’ being on recently, I said ‘I know where IT is, I just haven’t MET anyone from there’. I’m smart….you idiot.

The dog is clearly about to come out of his skin. And yet Mr. Slovakia continues. He says ‘You are a hard lady to get a hold of’. I have a full time job, 2 kids, a famous blog and a dog with territory issues. I’m a little busy. M proceeds to sneak down the hill, determined to play on the swing set. I take Kujo and head down the hill to retrieve the diapered babe. I still don’t have any idea why this dude is still talking to us. Clearly, we all look sane. But points to him for determination.

I run down the hill and grab the baby. This happens twice. L is now thoroughly watering the sewer cover, his face and half the neighbor’s yard. I tell Luca to knock it off and get up here. I am secretly praying for  a fit or perhaps this dude will call this visit a loss. But alas, I am wrong.

I am invited to sit on my own porch to see his presentation. I finally pull the cranky mom out and say ‘I don’t even know what you are selling.’  He pulls his badge out and says ‘I’m Jozef.. see my name is spelled wrong,’  That didn’t win points, buddy. I’m not a dumb person who makes fun of foreigners. He proceeds to show me pages and pages of neighbors that I have never met or may have judged (toe mower guy) who have clearly had time to sit with Mr. Slovakia and chat about the mystery item he is hawking.  Yeah for them. Perhaps their kids wear clothes, use bathtubs instead of sprinklers and the like.

Here was the best part… I was trying NOT to engage him in conversation. I mean I WAS giving him quality parenting tips at NO charge but still. After the invitation to sit on my own porch and clearly no fits from my kids in sight, I agree to listen. I’m standing…. Nobody puts me on the porch (enter my Jennifer Grey dance moves). But then…. he asks the question… ‘How old is he?– meaning the diapered one. I say ‘He’s a toddler’–and because I don’t want to tell you. He continues.. ‘And this one?’ Luca, who NEVER talks to strangers and sometimes even people he knows, choses THIS moment to speak, on his own accord.  Awesome. ‘I’m fee!’  And so the conversation begins…. with the fans. The fans being my kids. This dude was like the Pied Piper of Slovakia. I have no idea what he said next because I was watching my kids… sitting quietly on the porch behind me.  I was amazed.  Perhaps I needed an accent.

He opens up the binder and shows me a map of Slovakia. I remember my ‘5th grader’ facts and nod like I know what I’m talking about. English was my Ace in the Hole… not Geography. Sorry dude. He proceeds to say he is an exchange student in college staying with a host family in Lenexa. ‘Do you know where Lenexa is? It reminds me of my home in Slovakia.’  Seriously?? Lenexa?? Wow.. well does Slovakia have a Spinach Festival… then Lenexa is awesomer.  And just like that….L scoots over and sits next to him.  Motherly instincts kick in… or falcon instincts…either way, I grab him and put him on my lap (my kid, not the guy).  And then M…sitting quietly against the wall (which has NEVER happened in his LIFE) moves in towards the Piper.  Crap. Now I am sitting on the porch…. with kids who must think this guy sells ice cream or something.  M gets up and down and up and down… so technically I am still NOT listening to what this dude has to say.  I finally say ‘Can we just get down to it?…. or maybe it sounds like ‘Tell me more about this mystery product and can you make fun of yourself just one more time?’  I will never know. Because M decides to barrel towards me, misses me and trips. Right into the concrete planter on the DAMN porch. Which wouldn’t have happened, had the dude not asked me to sit down. Grrr…

Now screaming baby who has a unicorn horn sprouting and 3 year old are my priority….. and the Piper says ‘Perhaps I should come back another time.’  No kidding. Are you sure? –I may have been a little cranky.

I’m not even sure I said goodbye…. or ‘I like Lenexa’.  Sorry… but damn that man from Slovakia.

Wha? Wha?


Flower Dork….

I could not make these up if I tried….and I’m quite witty.

-L started moving the sprinkler down our hill. I said ‘No, Luca, leave it there.’ L replied in a sing song voice, ‘O-K, O-K, H-O.’ We will be ramping up on the whole letters and spelling thing….ASAP.
-L yells at me, as I’m making dinner….’Teo is eating stuff!’  Upon investigation, I recovered a good size piece of mulch, a gum wrapper, and sidewalk chalk.  A virtual dirt buffet! What the heck was I cooking for?
-L, running down the driveway, yelling ‘I’m making put-prints!!’ God bless him and his hearing.
-M is channeling Joey from Blossom lately. ‘Whoa.’  And in the right context… which makes me want to dress him in wife beaters and a ‘kerchief.
-J was being so sweet and called me a dork. L caught that with his ninja ears and said ‘Yeah Mom, you a dork.’  As I shot a glare/look of love over to J, (he picked up on one, I won’t tell you which one) J promptly told L ‘No, Mom is a flower, a beautiful blooming flower.’ I was walking upstairs about to yak. L says ‘Mom is a flower dork.’ 
-Did I mention my recent hatred for Ice Pops?

You know, these…
I did love them as a kid… or else I just made that up. But now, it makes my OCD flare. My fear of sticky people is just unhealthy but nevertheless still a fear and now that Oprah is done healing people, I’m pretty screwed.
But back to the ice pop. A 15month old has zero sense of urgency when it comes to tearing thru this frozen disaster. Ugh. Meanwhile the 3yr old had torn thru 3 and wants ‘just one more’.  Frozen sticky crack. Grrr.
-I gave birth to Aqua Men. There isn’t a sprinkler, pool, hot tub, freakishly warm hotel pool, or puddle these two fish sticks won’t find and soak their pants in. Enter childhood memory music and then enter my screeching voice yelling at them ‘If you fall on your face, I’m not going to feel bad for you!!’  Is it fodder for my Mother of Year speech? Well no, but I was trying to make a point. Which brings me to this seamless transistion…..
-When I’m at my next dinner party and someone asks to see a picture of my kids, I will pull out the one that makes them squint and ask ‘Is the little one part unicorn?’ I will laugh and say ‘You want to know how to keep your child from running into the bumper of a parked car?  (laugh, laugh) Well, maybe if they weren’t trying to be ‘Lord of the Dance’ background dancers in a PUDDLE of water in the garage’
-We were actually outside today. For longer than a race against the sun to get to our smokin’ hot car (smokin’ hot as in temp, not as in Salma Hayek).  So the sidewalk chalk came out (and Teo felt it was good enough for an appetizer). Calm coloring ensued and quietly L asked me to draw a heart for him. I obliged and thought ‘This is a sweet moment–wonder how long this will last.’  L distrupts my daydream with saying ‘I’m coloring over your heart. I’m hiding it. So the birds don’t poop on it.  Look, my fanny fits on your heart.’  And….moment is over.
-Again, attempting to make dinner (who am I kidding…. it  was a Papa Murphy’s pizza), I hear shrieking from the howler monkey (unfamiliar with the howler? Check this out).  I find M on the floor sobbing and L jumping on the trampoline with the cat who ate the canary smile. I do my Matlock line of questioning (What is the PROBLEM?  Why is he crying?) M points thru the tears at L and starts jumping on the floor. I’m pretty bright so I presume the oldest bumped off the youngin’.  Classic trampoline move.  I can’t wait to get M talking so that L, M and I can banter like the cast of West Wing. Random, I know.  L says ‘ I know, I know!! We can both be jumpers…. we can ALL share it. Then NO ONE is in trouble’.   Well played, Cat. Well played.

Talking bananas…and Oprah

If you have not read the funniest woman I have never met, please divert from this blog and go. Go now. I will warn you…if you have weak pelvic muscles, go to the bathroom, THEN read. Either way, it’s a win win.

During bath time tonight (not mine, the kids) Luca started drinking the water from the tub. I said ‘No! Teo just peed in there, didn’t you see him?!’ Luca looks at me and said ‘He didn’t pee over here.’ Gag.   Not sure why I shared that but now you are grossed out like me. Either way, it’s a win win.

Dear Oprah…the 80’s called and wants their Salt n Pepa’s earrings back.  (Random I know… but we are watching the Behind the Scenes.. we being the dog and I. He’s a huge O fan). 

If there was a designer who tried to talk me into putting a giant shark fin desk into my house, I would look at them like they were nuts. but my second question would be ‘Does it cover the juice stain in the living room?’  It’s not Pottery Barn but it’ll do. I’m not crazy but the Novagratz show on HGTV makes me hug my beige walls. 

I have to go run now… stop laughing.

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